It wasn’t easy when we went our separate ways. There was a lot of crying, wailing, cursing, and breaking down. You don’t end a 4 year long relationship like that. And it doesn’t happen so quickly either. The process of breaking up from a long term relationship takes time.
Sometimes, it takes days to come to terms with it, sometimes weeks. In my case, it took me months. There was a lot to reconcile. You can fall out of love with somebody but no one ever addresses the burden of emotional investment that you put into the relationship so far. I kept giving myself reasons for why it was okay have invested so heavily into someone. I kept telling myself that it was absolutely fine, that in that moment it all felt right. But I found it very difficult to come to terms with all that I had let go to keep it all together all these years.
Moving on takes time. I knew that. I have helped a few friends move on. Alcohol, tinder, and some other things I can’t talk about, have played a significant part in the process. But I never knew when it came to me, things would be different. And I am not really writing this as a moving on motivation for people around me. I am writing this because I feel there are some things about a breakup that we never really address.
You will feel loss
Most of you would think it’s about the loss of that special someone you could snuggle up to at 3 in the morning. But no. It’s a far more selfish sense of loss. The loss of time. Time that you spent caring, committing, and dreaming with that one person you thought was your world. Time that you could’ve put in to yourself, but you didn’t, and no longer can.
And it’s a loss that you need to feel, however painful it might be because it is the only thing that will ever teach you to love yourself before everyone else.
You will feel hatred. Visceral hatred.
Everyone that I met after my break up, people that I confided in, and told them how I felt, the most common response was sympathy, closely followed by everyone telling me how I need to let go of the emotion of hatred.
It’s not a good feeling to have. I wish that the person on the other side was dead. It’s excruciating to deal with the visuals of them being with someone else. And more so, of them being happy.
You will hate you ex.
Take it from me. If you will.
No matter how pragmatic a human you might be, if that hatred ever comes to you, don’t brush it off as a whim. It’s a sign of closure. You won’t hate them forever, but in the process of moving away, it’s the only thing that will help you keep your self-esteem together. And while it doesn’t sound like the best feeling to have, it is, a very true feeling to have.
You will desire a rebound
However weird this might sound, but the comfort of having someone to offload your insecurities onto is amazing. And you will desire that comfort. However wrong it sounds, but one really big part of a relationship is being able to talk about what bothers you, and being able to work a way out of it. And if you’ve had that comfort for too long, you will want it back, real soon.
This, my friend, is the breeding ground for a rebound. Don’t let it get to you. Because this is exactly how you set yourself up for a world of hurt. Quick fixes for pain only do so much for you.
You will fall in love again. You will.
And then when you find true love, and trust me you will, there are going to be some problems. When you walk out of a long distance relationship, you don’t do that unscathed. You walk out with some scars. Some are skin deep, and others will last. You will have trust issues. You will need constant validation. You will find it difficult to cope with fights. And at this point, it is important to address these feelings.
I is important that you walk up to the one you love, and tell them exactly what you feel. Take as long as you need but explain in entirety what bothers you, and why you react the way you do. If you are really sure about who you are with, be vulnerable in front of them. It will give you the comfort you wanted for all these years.
Breaking up, and moving on, invariably leaves you with some skeletons in your closet. Don’t keep them there. You can use that space for something else. Address your feelings. Deal with them.